Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
