You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
