She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
