Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
