my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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