I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
