saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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