Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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