I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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