I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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