The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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