So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
