I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
