I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
