I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
