Do you still have your period?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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