I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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