Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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