home. puking in laundry basket.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Your cock deserves a montage
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
