u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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