I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
