A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
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Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Everclear isn't food dammit
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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