i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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