textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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