Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Welp...herpes.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
