my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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