mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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