i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
