What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
