you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
