I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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