Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
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Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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