you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
