I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
