Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
