Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dating After Heartbreak
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies