Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
