k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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