Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
