True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
