I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
