Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
