I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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