True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
