Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I need to sanitize my soul.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
