Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
