So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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