you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
