I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
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