I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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