gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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