You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
