Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
