FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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